Chemistry,
desire, monogamy, and infidelity are intertwined in such a strange way. I have
personally felt every which way about all of them, though I haven’t practiced
every which way. As I grow up more I understand the care and consideration life
takes. Considering these topics lately has led me to some personal truths.
For
so long I was angry and hurt by a cheater. I thought (dramatically), “How could he?” Then I came into the
acceptance that people are people. They can only behave the way they are programed
to be. Each person can only be the type of human they know how to be. That was
his journey, and I just got caught on the receiving end of some bullshit. Now,
I am feeling a new type of release on this whole topic.
I read a few articles about the brain chemistry of love
and lust. When you are in love with
someone your brain releases more oxytocin into your system. Oxytocin has been nicknamed the “cuddle
chemical” and apparently also the “moral molecule” and it actually increases over time in long-term
relationships. The influx of oxytocin “makes” you monogamous? You see an
attractive person, and your brain actually gives you the chemical reaction of
consideration! To consider the desire,
or what the action of giving into your natural desire could do to the person
you love.
Dopamine on the other hand, is the happy chemical your
brain releases for short-term peaks or climax’s if you will. Dopamine is the
“feel-good” chemical, no wonder it is the reason for all addiction. Dopamine
gets pumped into your brain when your senses are excited. If you see, hear, smell,
touch or taste something pleasing to you. Risk-taking is also something that
releases dopamine. Risks like gambling, speed-sports, auditioning for
something, talking to someone you find very pleasing.
So, short-term you may be attracted to someone, and
that’s the dopamine experience, but then the thought of your partner, the
touch, a kiss from your partner releases the oxytocin so you may check ya-self before you wreck ya-self .
Amazing.
But why doesn’t this always work?
What I have been pondering is the chemistry of it all.
There are sexy people all over the place (especially if you live in West
Hollywood like I do at the moment), but that doesn’t mean there is obligatory
chemistry between two sexy people JUST because they are both sexually
appealing. Not every fuckable guy, has that je
ne sais quoi that signals sparks.
And what of the sparks? Why is it possible to feel
obvious, even primal chemistry with someone if you are committed and very much
in-love with someone else? Loaded with oxytocin for your partner, would never
want to hurt them, but find yourself thinking,
“Daayuumn,
I would love to be up against a shower wall by so-and-so”
Having had this experience myself, I am lead to reconsider
my opinion and judgments on cheaters and monogamy, and polygamy and the whole
lot.
1.
I realize all
situations, relationships, personalities and the like are different, BUT, I
feel I have more forgiveness for the ex who cheated. Or at least I feel more
released about the experience of having felt betrayed. Being attracted to
someone, when there is real chemistry between you, is difficult to deny. If you
are not a certain type of partner, or don’t really want commitment, or have an
addictive personality then straying is easy. It’s even natural; loyalty is the
one that takes conscious practice. Nature just wants us wired for procreation,
and socially and culturally speaking, there are a lot of issues with that.
2.
I don’t think
humans are innately wired to have just one partner. I think monogamy is a
cultural thing rather than a genetic thing. I would not cheat on my partner because
it is not part of our agreement as partners to invite others into the fold. I
am happy with him and wouldn’t want another man sharing my life like we share
our lives. But there is a primal, uninhibited, un-indoctrinated sexual being in
me who has recognized that it is possible to feel sparks for someone that your
rational mind has no interest in
pursuing, but your
natural mind tells
you to “go ahead just take one hit, I promise you’ll enjoy it.” But like drugs
and all other addictions, once dopamine hits its mark, the prolactin seeps in
and the comedown is real; The blaring truth of your actions get real.
3.
The last thing I am pondering on is the absence
of your beloved, and how it directly effects your chemicals. Prolonged long
distance causes shifts and rifts and changes. Little physical contact and
connection, means less floods of happy chemicals. The stress and heart break of
departing from each other constantly raises cortisol levels. Heightened stress hormones
make you sick and sad, none of this is good. Does the domino effect of all this
mean that your actual levels of oxytocin can scientifically diminish over time
because of these chemical variables?
I think my dopamine receptors
are engaged from writing this all out (and from smoking while I write). It’s
all such a funny thing, this human experience.
It’s also funny that we say
we have “chemistry” with some one,
and it actually IS chemistry?!
Oh, to be a spiritual being
in human form.
