Anastasia Sara Kaufman

Anastasia Sara Kaufman

Sunday, September 28, 2014

The Weed Man

(I wrote this for a column I briefly had earlier this year. I may share a few more on my blog here.)

What if men were like strains of weed? What if we could test them out, figure out who sold the best ones, and really understand their effects on us?
A Sativa Man is energetic, he’s talkative and sociable. Maybe he’s a fast talker with a possible tendency for anxiety. He is the type to want to go out, maybe even every night. He will be adventurous and passionate- though sometimes those relationships can burn out fast… no pun intended.
An Indica Man, well he’s chill. Laid-back, zen, level-headed. He loves to stay home and snuggle. He is philosophical and contemplative. He is the kind of man that enjoys silence; just being in his lover’s presence is a kind of calm satisfaction that no other source can supply. He can be a long-term lover, unless he’s turned “chill” into “lazy” and you roll out of that relationship!

PSA: No lazy lovers, please.

The Hybrid Man: He’s a safe bet. He gets the job done with no real threat of being too extreme on either end. He might actually be the perfect man. He can be indica, snuggle and pet you while you talk and listen to records, or be sativa and take you on a surprise adventure!
The Purpz:  He’s the kind of (high) guy that creeps up on you.  Maybe a few weeks go by and you think you’re doing a good job of “keeping it casual”, then BAM you’re admitting to your best friend your loosing-your-mind-in-love with this guy. Totally can’t function, stoned as shit infatuated.
Old Man Weed- This is the stuff that’s been sitting in a drawer too long, it’s gone dry, he’s stale and crispy and probably won’t keep you high for very long.

Another PSA:        Friends don’t let friends smoke shwag.

So don’t let them date it either!!

The Shwag Man: The shwag man is synonymous with a scrub, and we all know how TLC feels about those. Thanks, but no thanks.  UUumm, ya…No.

Then there’s the age long debate of outdoor vs. hydro. I see the outdoor man as your rugged sexy cowboy type. He loves the great outdoors, hiking, swimming and camping. He is most likely health conscious. If he is an Organic Outdoor Man, he doesn’t like to use products with chemicals. He loves to spend Sunday at the farmers market with you.
         The Hydro Guy is a little more modified. He works out and puts the best nutrients into his body. He is an impeccable dresser and always groomed, even if he’s in his sweats or painting pants. Though the Outdoor Man is inevitably tan from all that sunshine, his Hydro counterpart might possibly be tan from lying under lights.

This got me thinking; are the kind of men you are attracted to, related to the type of buds you like to smoke? I’m totally a Kush girl- It makes me feel calm and creative, observant. And yes, those are qualities I like to see in a partner, but those are mainly qualities I want to feel within myself because of my partners influence.
         The combinations are endless. The strains and concentrates, technique of growing and consuming are countlessly different from one another. It really comes down to knowing how you want your relationship to make you feel; just like how you choose your tree- by how it affects you.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014


There was a girl who everybody called YaYa. Her mother was the moon, and her father the sun.  Her kindness and beauty, both inner and outer, inspired all life around her. Her generosity and compassion were contagious and everybody wanted to be better. The fairies wanted to fly higher. The flowers wanted to bloom brighter.
         YaYa didn’t know how to help her friends. She couldn’t think of a single way to show them how to get whatever it was that they wanted. So she went to a mountaintop to talk to her mother. There, the moon told her,
         “My love, the absolute best thing you can do is- Love. Love yourself and your life so much that you don’t know anything other than the best. You do your best, love your best, you live life your very best and others will learn by watching you and being near you and feeling the sun or moon shine on their faces.” 
         The next day, YaYa returned back to the forest and gathered her friends. She wanted to tell them all about being proud of who you are; about standing strong and tall. She wanted to tell her flower friends how to grow effortlessly instead of worrying about it- everything you need is supplied to you, sunshine, earth and water…
         She stood with her feet firmly planted in the wet dark earth hip width apart. YaYa raised her arms palms facing up. She relaxed her head back with a deep exhale. The sun warming every little follicle and molecule of her skin. Suddenly her arms started to get long! Her hair lifted by a breeze each strand started to branch out and soon she had a full head of lush green leaves. Her legs grew and her toes began to wiggle before they sprouted into roots and began twisting through the earth. Her torso extended up, up and UP soaking up the sunshine, her toes drinking up mother Earth’s sweet water. She grew so high that it was a challenge for the fairies to get up to the top. But when they did, they asked her why she had decided to make such a drastic change. She replied,

         “I hadn’t planned on becoming a tree, but now that it’s happening its seems right.” And so, she stayed rooted and grew old. Helping her friends, blowing with the wind, and radiating under the open sky.