relationship rant....

      Once, when I just refused to see that I was committed to a guy who couldn’t possibly be committed to me, for he had far too many issues to work through. At that time my godmother told me a very personal story about her father’s double life that went unknown for something like 30 years. At the time I couldn’t draw a line from point A to B. It’s always in retrospect that you know the women who love you in your life were right all along.

Tonight I had a conversation with my friend, a new friend, who doesn’t know the history of my romantic life. So it was an interesting and difficult practice in taking all my experience and knowledge and trying to word it in a way that was hearable for her.

    Whether my personal experiences translated to something she could ingest or not I’m glad that I can be a friend who so intimately understands the complexity of a relationship with a damaged man. Given I don’t know her man barely at all. But the tiniest things that I picked up on blatantly reminded me of moments with my ex, I just couldn’t ignore how much it stirred me.

            I felt an inner pang when I could see how she navigates her man similarly to how I used to do it every day for over 3 years. I would know the best possible way to act or word something so I wouldn’t make him upset or jealous or aggravated in the slightest. And in turn I became hindered and oppressed and dulled because of my need to love and try to heal and “guide” a person that I deemed worthy of my love.

             But when it comes down to it folks, you just can’t change anyone. You can give them as much love as you have inside you to give, but unless they can take ownership and responsibility for that love and the reciprocity that is needed, it just wont last… or it wont last happily- I can tell you that much.

             I know what its like to believe in the good in someone so profoundly that you are willing to use up all your love trying to lift them higher, to fulfill that goodness in them. I know what is it to apologize for, or justify his childish or irrational behavior because you have a deeper understanding of why or how he acted up in the first place.

 I know what its like to be so desperately in love that the love becomes desperation. Desperate to help him, to love him, to have him let you love him. I know what its like to have the head strong belief that love conquers all…. Desperate to conquer his baggage, his demons. I didn’t want to be the one who left him because he had issues to work out, because surely that isn’t a loving thing to do. And he knew it, and used it to his manipulative advantage.  I know how crazy denial is, and how devastating disillusionment can be.            

            My dad says this quote often and it has stuck with me,

“No drop of love is ever wasted.”

 And maybe when you feel like you have done just that, wasted it, take a moment and realize how epically amazing it is that you have that in you. You can love, you can really love with no conditions or judgments or fears on it. Because when you can so fearlessly love someone who is so full of fear- to the point where their own fear causes detriment to their relationships- then you better be damn well fucking pleased with your souls evolutionary path. If you can love like that, then love is what you will do! And you will do it with someone who perfectly compliments that ability and need within you.

 Your soulmate will be so on your same level that you will be shocked at how well you understand and love and respect each other.. and how easy it is. Then, you will feel ridiculous that you were even shocked, because once you find that person it's like Cher and Dion hitting you in the face with a fuzzy handbag yelling “DUH!”

             Your soulmate doesn’t even have the ability to be jealous because who else could ever be your mate other then them.

Your soulmate loves your friends. Really, truly loves the people you keep close to you, and they love seeing how much you love your friends.

Your soulmate will never manipulate you. Period.

 He will never question your male friendships because he isn’t jealous, he wants you to stay close to your boys, he will understand you love them and will not be threatened by that platonic love. 

 He is secure with who he is in your life, he is secure with who you are.

You do not need to “fix” eachother. You are already perfect for eachother.

Eachother and soulmate should be one word. I don’t care what my English teachers have said; they are both words that are 2 things becoming 1. Something that does not make sense with out the other half. Therefore- one word.

You and your love are just be one word. No round-about  sentence.

Just one word.

p.s

Dear friend who inspired this free write, I hope you understand I am not in any way judging you. I may even be completely wrong, and if that is the case, please let me apologize and thank you for the inspiration you gave me to get this out of me and on to paper. You are a truely awesome woman. xo

How to fall in love again:

                                                                                

                         

I.

Don’t fall.

Falling is inevitably followed by crashing.

-Instead, Fold into each other

--Grow out of one another

II.

Drink Jameson and dance to reggae

 Discover you both love mint chocolate chip its-its

  dream of raising a boxer/pit puppy

Share music, and books—fall in love with his books

III.

Smoke a spliff & watch him draw

Love the concentration and care in his eyes while he works

Fall asleep listening to sound of his pencils dance on paper

IV.

Have a naked shoulder ride to the vaulted ceiling of a rented Memphis room on a determined mosquito hunt.

Fall to the bed laughing satisfied with the promise of a buzz free nights sleep.

V.

Feed each other fried pickles

VI.

Share ghost stories and Ethiopian food.

VII.

Get caught in the rain driving through Georgia.

Watch lightening hit the highway.

VIII.

Tell each other cheesy things in redneck southern accents

“I love you like a biscuit loves butter, like Nawlins loves jazz…”

IX.

Give yourself permission.

Warning Call

My tarot cards warned me to be aware of the devil – so, I fell in love with one.

 I made the choice to smother his demons with kisses.

An attempt to uplift his shit childhood with pretty little future wishes.

 All with the desperate need to teach him how to breathe.

I met a psychic on the bus coming home to the devil one day.

He looked at me with pain in his eyes asking why was I hurting myself.

When he told me the devil didn’t love me, I deafened myself so that all I could hear when I got home to him, was his quick and shallow breath-

For even his lungs were aching to deflate the lies.

I had so many words for you, to justify you, to sugar coat you 

"No he's just- elusive. Observant. Introverted. Stoic."

What I meant was:

He sits in such pregnant silence, the contractions of his untrue I love you’s cause fault lines to rupture.

When I came up with new words for you, they were still a justification:

Evil, asshole, lying piece of shit good for nothing ignorant little boy

But giving you that much anger still gave you too much power.

Once I thought you deserved my love

Then I thought you deserved my hate

All you're gonna get is my indifference.

The only way to stop indulging in the devil is forgiveness.

When I pray for forgiveness,
 the illusion is lifted and 
you are no longer a manifestation of your demons,
 you are not Satan, 
you are human.

You are human
 with karmic lessons, 
and no one but you, 
especially not me
 can take on the responsibility of your evolution.

something journalistic....

Bossy, With The Right Amount of Crazy

Amy Poehler said it best. The women honored at Variety’s Power of Women event, and the rest of us really, need to be “bossy, with the right amount of crazy”. 

There was something cultivating in the room today at P.O.W. That something was an energy that was welcoming and loving; an energy of sisterhood and giving. There was an understanding brewing that there is so much more to the quality of life, and that there is so much that we can do for our world.

            It is important to find that call to action, a spark of inspiration, that makes us step out of our comfort zones and take part in something bigger then we are. That is exactly what the six honorees have experienced and created for others.

            Nicole Kidman leads by example, carrying herself with the “poise and conviction of a leader”. She shared with us that there are only 21 women who run fortune 500 companies. She told us that 1 in 3 women in their lives will be beaten, abused, or raped. Sitting at a table of 12 women I look around at their beautifully different faces, and think that statistically 4 of us will or has experienced that kind of violence.

            Teen Line is a crisis hotline helping teens since 1980. Suicide is the 3^rd leading cause of teen death.  Amy Pascal nailed it on the head when she said “we all need some one who is there for us when we need it most”.

             Elizabeth Banks shared with us her work with the American Heart Association, urging us females to get our EKG’s and all that good stuff. Bet you didn’t know women are 4 times more likely to die from heart disease then from breast cancer!           

            Kerry Washington emphasized the importance of art education in our schools. She shared her own memories and appreciation for art programs.  “I walked to school stepping over used syringes… I think, where would I be today without those dance classes?” A creative outlet can save a child’s life. Art can be a healer and a friend when maybe there is no one else. Results of her art program increased proficiency in math and reading, increased attendance and participation by 36%. To have a passion, escape, and release that is healthy and constructive is so very important to build strong people and communities.

            Amy Poehler really captivated the energy in the room. She made us laugh, she made us cry, she made us think. In the end “love wins”, and when someone can have love for a child who has nothing, nothing, then we are really changing the world.

            Here’s another interesting tidbit; in 2012 more than 50 million people were HIV positive, 2015 will be the first AIDS-free generation in south Africa. Charlize put it in to perspective for us when she asked us to imagine if every single inhabitant of California and Alaska was HIV/ AIDS positive??  Charlize Theron has a deep connection with and love for her home, which is why she has become so involved in the fight against AIDS in south Africa. Dedicating her award to her mother she jokes, “because that bitch was building roads when no one else was”.

            With compassion and the right attitude we can do so much for our brothers and sisters.  The work these women have done to use their money, time, and fame to help progress the human race is truly a beautiful thing, and we could all feel it sitting in that Beverly Hills ballroom. We need to care, we need to love, and we need to step up. Thank you Variety for such a meaningful acknowledgment of human compassion and willingness.

October 4^th, 2013   Anastasia Sara Kaufman

            

Love & Arrivals

I love airports. Even those days when nothing seems to go right. Like when security swabs me down, and I get a bumpy ride in the middle of two old fat people. Not that I have anything against the old and fat of the world, but unfortunately the nature of who they are makes them not fun flight buddies.

There is a sadness that always hits me at the airport. No matter the circumstance, whether I'm at a layover, or I'm traveling alone to a foreign city- it always happens. The sadness hits regardless of how rational or irrational it may or may not be to be feeling it. 

When I walk out of the terminals and head towards baggage claim, and there is no one waiting for me at the arrival gate, I have to tell myself not to be sad. I say, “O stop, you didn’t even tell anyone your flight info” or “No one in this city knows you!” or “…maybe he’ll be waiting at home…”

            I think, you can tell how much some one loves you by their airport etiquette. Do they get of the car, wait in the parking lot? Are they waiting at the gate with the best view of the oncoming travelers? Are they even there at all? 

            My parents are always as close as they can possibly get. Waiting right at the opening to the arrivals. My mom’s beaming smile is the first thing I see as I approach the mass of strangers searching faces for love.

            Real love is standing at the arrivals doors with a cheesy smile on your face- because you want to. Real love is coming home to warmth, food, and someone who kisses you hello.  Real love does more then show up, it is just there. Real love lifts and shifts your consciousness making your head float like a moment of suspended animation that happens in elevators and airplane turbulence. That passing moment where it feels quite possible that your soul and body might just keep lifting and float ever so gently away from each other…. 

Scar Tissue

I.

Only when I am alone at night on my roof & staring at the city lights-

Do I de-compact thoughts-

 they try to find a way-

A reincarnation of words

 and full breaths

II.

 I can’t help but try to find his glowing orange spot of the street light-

I stare at a sparkling, luminous landscape of my past.

-And I think about falling in love wounded
 and how maybe how I should fly this time instead of fall

III.

Thinking about scar tissue.

Scar tissue can dull sensation.

If this occurs, please ask our health care provider about Metaphysical Therapy

If you have no health care provider, well, then- you’re just fucked aren’t you?

IV.

Scar tissue shows you’re not afraid to get hurt,

Because getting hurt means living life,

And there’s a million ways life can break your heart,

 but, scars have stories.

…and lets face it-

I love a good story.

Delicate Darkness

(There is) a delicate darkness
Like lace, thick & complicated
It's roots stretch & wind deep
Like tentacles searching for life
Layered & old like age rings on an old oak

It is a voluptuous darkness within me
It is sound, rhythm, & cacophony
Paint, charcoal, & ash
Percussive combustion of fuchsia & vermilion
Splatter like wax

Breathy quivering notes
Brush a pale cloud of opalescence.
I fling my arms open
Throwing raspy low vibrations
That languidly smear smiles on a sanguin(ary) red earth.

Volare

I am a glass bird
with wings made of eggshells,
whispers,
and tattered,
soft pieces
of human heart.

This moment

This moment..

A clear cold night the sky has truth & an unassuming moon

The east bay is a delicate necklace of lights draped over dark water

From up here I see a city I love, a city I’ve had illusions about,

I try to see his house in the landscape of small colored squares but

This song makes me feel inflated, I feel dark & light I feel magic & winter

I feel forest & fire and the icy chill of the blue night air gone fragile on my cheek,

And all the while,

We were steady going under…

Afterglow

I want to be your muse

Let me be the goddess you use-

Shake what you know 

I can change how you see and react to the light that refracts off and falls across bare collar bones-

   Out of Darkness I will rise (again) &inspire, like the promise of my name held on your caught breath-desire. 

It is not your gaze which illuminates me but your gaze that experiences my illumination.  

 I am a bed of silk & velvet roses,

 the color of a sunset on fire-

 dripping  in gold 

Thorns that bleed deep purple

I Smell of ancient wisdom curling softly and disappearing like smoke 

I want to sing you notes that make you remember autumn. 

When I Hum, you will be coated- close your eyes and drift to the flow of thick warm honey taking you away. 

Lost- in my eyes 

 until I blink & my lashes are weighted by droplets, not of Onyx but of Gold-they escape, splashing to the ground at my feet. 

Epiphany # 63

Most of my epiphanies, and breakdowns happen in the same locations; the bathroom, and the kitchen.

Inbetween

I tried to put a spell on him but his spirit is illiterate;And if my incantations can't work, break them down to single words that make no sense; And if individual letters have no meaning, then the space between A and Z could be a life time; And if the life between A and Z has no space -we can not breathe; And a life will not work- a spell cannot work without a gentle breath that passes through soft pink parted lips.



Inspired by Amiri Baraka