Anastasia Sara Kaufman

Anastasia Sara Kaufman

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

relationship rant....

      Once, when I just refused to see that I was committed to a guy who couldn’t possibly be committed to me, for he had far too many issues to work through. At that time my godmother told me a very personal story about her father’s double life that went unknown for something like 30 years. At the time I couldn’t draw a line from point A to B. It’s always in retrospect that you know the women who love you in your life were right all along.
Tonight I had a conversation with my friend, a new friend, who doesn’t know the history of my romantic life. So it was an interesting and difficult practice in taking all my experience and knowledge and trying to word it in a way that was hearable for her.
    Whether my personal experiences translated to something she could ingest or not I’m glad that I can be a friend who so intimately understands the complexity of a relationship with a damaged man. Given I don’t know her man barely at all. But the tiniest things that I picked up on blatantly reminded me of moments with my ex, I just couldn’t ignore how much it stirred me.
            I felt an inner pang when I could see how she navigates her man similarly to how I used to do it every day for over 3 years. I would know the best possible way to act or word something so I wouldn’t make him upset or jealous or aggravated in the slightest. And in turn I became hindered and oppressed and dulled because of my need to love and try to heal and “guide” a person that I deemed worthy of my love.
             But when it comes down to it folks, you just can’t change anyone. You can give them as much love as you have inside you to give, but unless they can take ownership and responsibility for that love and the reciprocity that is needed, it just wont last… or it wont last happily- I can tell you that much.
             I know what its like to believe in the good in someone so profoundly that you are willing to use up all your love trying to lift them higher, to fulfill that goodness in them. I know what is it to apologize for, or justify his childish or irrational behavior because you have a deeper understanding of why or how he acted up in the first place.
 I know what its like to be so desperately in love that the love becomes desperation. Desperate to help him, to love him, to have him let you love him. I know what its like to have the head strong belief that love conquers all…. Desperate to conquer his baggage, his demons. I didn’t want to be the one who left him because he had issues to work out, because surely that isn’t a loving thing to do. And he knew it, and used it to his manipulative advantage.  I know how crazy denial is, and how devastating disillusionment can be.            
            My dad says this quote often and it has stuck with me,
“No drop of love is ever wasted.”
 And maybe when you feel like you have done just that, wasted it, take a moment and realize how epically amazing it is that you have that in you. You can love, you can really love with no conditions or judgments or fears on it. Because when you can so fearlessly love someone who is so full of fear- to the point where their own fear causes detriment to their relationships- then you better be damn well fucking pleased with your souls evolutionary path. If you can love like that, then love is what you will do! And you will do it with someone who perfectly compliments that ability and need within you.

 Your soulmate will be so on your same level that you will be shocked at how well you understand and love and respect each other.. and how easy it is. Then, you will feel ridiculous that you were even shocked, because once you find that person it's like Cher and Dion hitting you in the face with a fuzzy handbag yelling “DUH!”
             Your soulmate doesn’t even have the ability to be jealous because who else could ever be your mate other then them.
Your soulmate loves your friends. Really, truly loves the people you keep close to you, and they love seeing how much you love your friends.
Your soulmate will never manipulate you. Period.

 He will never question your male friendships because he isn’t jealous, he wants you to stay close to your boys, he will understand you love them and will not be threatened by that platonic love. 
 He is secure with who he is in your life, he is secure with who you are.
You do not need to “fix” eachother. You are already perfect for eachother.

Eachother and soulmate should be one word. I don’t care what my English teachers have said; they are both words that are 2 things becoming 1. Something that does not make sense with out the other half. Therefore- one word.

You and your love are just be one word. No round-about  sentence.

Just one word.

Dear friend who inspired this free write, I hope you understand I am not in any way judging you. I may even be completely wrong, and if that is the case, please let me apologize and thank you for the inspiration you gave me to get this out of me and on to paper. You are a truely awesome woman. xo


  1. May your neighbors respect you
    Trouble neglect you, angels protect you
    And heaven accept you. Be Safe

  2. I barely know you but, God, I miss you. That was beautifully written. Thanks for sharing...