Chemistry

Chemistry, desire, monogamy, and infidelity are intertwined in such a strange way. I have personally felt every which way about all of them, though I haven’t practiced every which way. As I grow up more I understand the care and consideration life takes. Considering these topics lately has led me to some personal truths.

For so long I was angry and hurt by a cheater. I thought (dramatically), “How could he?” Then I came into the acceptance that people are people. They can only behave the way they are programed to be. Each person can only be the type of human they know how to be. That was his journey, and I just got caught on the receiving end of some bullshit. Now, I am feeling a new type of release on this whole topic.

            I read a few articles about the brain chemistry of love and lust.  When you are in love with someone your brain releases more oxytocin into your system.  Oxytocin has been nicknamed the “cuddle chemical” and apparently also the “moral molecule” and it actually increases over time in long-term relationships. The influx of oxytocin “makes” you monogamous? You see an attractive person, and your brain actually gives you the chemical reaction of consideration! To consider the desire, or what the action of giving into your natural desire could do to the person you love.

            Dopamine on the other hand, is the happy chemical your brain releases for short-term peaks or climax’s if you will. Dopamine is the “feel-good” chemical, no wonder it is the reason for all addiction. Dopamine gets pumped into your brain when your senses are excited. If you see, hear, smell, touch or taste something pleasing to you. Risk-taking is also something that releases dopamine. Risks like gambling, speed-sports, auditioning for something, talking to someone you find very pleasing.

            So, short-term you may be attracted to someone, and that’s the dopamine experience, but then the thought of your partner, the touch, a kiss from your partner releases the oxytocin so you may check ya-self before you wreck ya-self . Amazing.

 But why doesn’t this always work?

            What I have been pondering is the chemistry of it all. There are sexy people all over the place (especially if you live in West Hollywood like I do at the moment), but that doesn’t mean there is obligatory chemistry between two sexy people JUST because they are both sexually appealing. Not every fuckable guy, has that je ne sais quoi that signals sparks.

            And what of the sparks? Why is it possible to feel obvious, even primal chemistry with someone if you are committed and very much in-love with someone else? Loaded with oxytocin for your partner, would never want to hurt them, but find yourself thinking,

“Daayuumn, I would love to be up against a shower wall by so-and-so”

            Having had this experience myself, I am lead to reconsider my opinion and judgments on cheaters and monogamy, and polygamy and the whole lot.

1.    I realize all situations, relationships, personalities and the like are different, BUT, I feel I have more forgiveness for the ex who cheated. Or at least I feel more released about the experience of having felt betrayed. Being attracted to someone, when there is real chemistry between you, is difficult to deny. If you are not a certain type of partner, or don’t really want commitment, or have an addictive personality then straying is easy. It’s even natural; loyalty is the one that takes conscious practice. Nature just wants us wired for procreation, and socially and culturally speaking, there are a lot of issues with that.

2.    I don’t think humans are innately wired to have just one partner. I think monogamy is a cultural thing rather than a genetic thing. I would not cheat on my partner because it is not part of our agreement as partners to invite others into the fold. I am happy with him and wouldn’t want another man sharing my life like we share our lives. But there is a primal, uninhibited, un-indoctrinated sexual being in me who has recognized that it is possible to feel sparks for someone that your rational mind has no interest in pursuing, but your natural mind tells you to “go ahead just take one hit, I promise you’ll enjoy it.” But like drugs and all other addictions, once dopamine hits its mark, the prolactin seeps in and the comedown is real; The blaring truth of your actions get real.

3.     The last thing I am pondering on is the absence of your beloved, and how it directly effects your chemicals. Prolonged long distance causes shifts and rifts and changes. Little physical contact and connection, means less floods of happy chemicals. The stress and heart break of departing from each other constantly raises cortisol levels. Heightened stress hormones make you sick and sad, none of this is good. Does the domino effect of all this mean that your actual levels of oxytocin can scientifically diminish over time because of these chemical variables?

I think my dopamine receptors are engaged from writing this all out (and from smoking while I write). It’s all such a funny thing, this human experience.

It’s also funny that we say we have “chemistry” with some one, and it actually IS chemistry?! 

Oh, to be a spiritual being in human form.

            

The Weed Man

(I wrote this for a column I briefly had earlier this year. I may share a few more on my blog here.)

What if men were like strains of weed? What if we could test them out, figure out who sold the best ones, and really understand their effects on us?

A Sativa Man is energetic, he’s talkative and sociable. Maybe he’s a fast talker with a possible tendency for anxiety. He is the type to want to go out, maybe even every night. He will be adventurous and passionate- though sometimes those relationships can burn out fast… no pun intended.

An Indica Man, well he’s chill. Laid-back, zen, level-headed. He loves to stay home and snuggle. He is philosophical and contemplative. He is the kind of man that enjoys silence; just being in his lover’s presence is a kind of calm satisfaction that no other source can supply. He can be a long-term lover, unless he’s turned “chill” into “lazy” and you roll out of that relationship!

PSA: No lazy lovers, please.

The Hybrid Man: He’s a safe bet. He gets the job done with no real threat of being too extreme on either end. He might actually be the perfect man. He can be indica, snuggle and pet you while you talk and listen to records, or be sativa and take you on a surprise adventure!

The Purpz:  He’s the kind of (high) guy that creeps up on you.  Maybe a few weeks go by and you think you’re doing a good job of “keeping it casual”, then BAM you’re admitting to your best friend your loosing-your-mind-in-love with this guy. Totally can’t function, stoned as shit infatuated.

Old Man Weed- This is the stuff that’s been sitting in a drawer too long, it’s gone dry, he’s stale and crispy and probably won’t keep you high for very long.

Another PSA:        Friends don’t let friends smoke shwag.

So don’t let them date it either!!

The Shwag Man: The shwag man is synonymous with a scrub, and we all know how TLC feels about those. Thanks, but no thanks.  UUumm, ya…No.

Then there’s the age long debate of outdoor vs. hydro. I see the outdoor man as your rugged sexy cowboy type. He loves the great outdoors, hiking, swimming and camping. He is most likely health conscious. If he is an Organic Outdoor Man, he doesn’t like to use products with chemicals. He loves to spend Sunday at the farmers market with you.

         The Hydro Guy is a little more modified. He works out and puts the best nutrients into his body. He is an impeccable dresser and always groomed, even if he’s in his sweats or painting pants. Though the Outdoor Man is inevitably tan from all that sunshine, his Hydro counterpart might possibly be tan from lying under lights.

This got me thinking; are the kind of men you are attracted to, related to the type of buds you like to smoke? I’m totally a Kush girl- It makes me feel calm and creative, observant. And yes, those are qualities I like to see in a partner, but those are mainly qualities I want to feel within myself because of my partners influence.

         The combinations are endless. The strains and concentrates, technique of growing and consuming are countlessly different from one another. It really comes down to knowing how you want your relationship to make you feel; just like how you choose your tree- by how it affects you.

SEQUOIA

There was a girl who everybody called YaYa. Her mother was the moon, and her father the sun.  Her kindness and beauty, both inner and outer, inspired all life around her. Her generosity and compassion were contagious and everybody wanted to be better. The fairies wanted to fly higher. The flowers wanted to bloom brighter.

         YaYa didn’t know how to help her friends. She couldn’t think of a single way to show them how to get whatever it was that they wanted. So she went to a mountaintop to talk to her mother. There, the moon told her,

         “My love, the absolute best thing you can do is- Love. Love yourself and your life so much that you don’t know anything other than the best. You do your best, love your best, you live life your very best and others will learn by watching you and being near you and feeling the sun or moon shine on their faces.” 

         The next day, YaYa returned back to the forest and gathered her friends. She wanted to tell them all about being proud of who you are; about standing strong and tall. She wanted to tell her flower friends how to grow effortlessly instead of worrying about it- everything you need is supplied to you, sunshine, earth and water…

         She stood with her feet firmly planted in the wet dark earth hip width apart. YaYa raised her arms palms facing up. She relaxed her head back with a deep exhale. The sun warming every little follicle and molecule of her skin. Suddenly her arms started to get long! Her hair lifted by a breeze each strand started to branch out and soon she had a full head of lush green leaves. Her legs grew and her toes began to wiggle before they sprouted into roots and began twisting through the earth. Her torso extended up, up and UP soaking up the sunshine, her toes drinking up mother Earth’s sweet water. She grew so high that it was a challenge for the fairies to get up to the top. But when they did, they asked her why she had decided to make such a drastic change. She replied,

         “I hadn’t planned on becoming a tree, but now that it’s happening its seems right.” And so, she stayed rooted and grew old. Helping her friends, blowing with the wind, and radiating under the open sky.

relationship rant....

      Once, when I just refused to see that I was committed to a guy who couldn’t possibly be committed to me, for he had far too many issues to work through. At that time my godmother told me a very personal story about her father’s double life that went unknown for something like 30 years. At the time I couldn’t draw a line from point A to B. It’s always in retrospect that you know the women who love you in your life were right all along.

Tonight I had a conversation with my friend, a new friend, who doesn’t know the history of my romantic life. So it was an interesting and difficult practice in taking all my experience and knowledge and trying to word it in a way that was hearable for her.

    Whether my personal experiences translated to something she could ingest or not I’m glad that I can be a friend who so intimately understands the complexity of a relationship with a damaged man. Given I don’t know her man barely at all. But the tiniest things that I picked up on blatantly reminded me of moments with my ex, I just couldn’t ignore how much it stirred me.

            I felt an inner pang when I could see how she navigates her man similarly to how I used to do it every day for over 3 years. I would know the best possible way to act or word something so I wouldn’t make him upset or jealous or aggravated in the slightest. And in turn I became hindered and oppressed and dulled because of my need to love and try to heal and “guide” a person that I deemed worthy of my love.

             But when it comes down to it folks, you just can’t change anyone. You can give them as much love as you have inside you to give, but unless they can take ownership and responsibility for that love and the reciprocity that is needed, it just wont last… or it wont last happily- I can tell you that much.

             I know what its like to believe in the good in someone so profoundly that you are willing to use up all your love trying to lift them higher, to fulfill that goodness in them. I know what is it to apologize for, or justify his childish or irrational behavior because you have a deeper understanding of why or how he acted up in the first place.

 I know what its like to be so desperately in love that the love becomes desperation. Desperate to help him, to love him, to have him let you love him. I know what its like to have the head strong belief that love conquers all…. Desperate to conquer his baggage, his demons. I didn’t want to be the one who left him because he had issues to work out, because surely that isn’t a loving thing to do. And he knew it, and used it to his manipulative advantage.  I know how crazy denial is, and how devastating disillusionment can be.            

            My dad says this quote often and it has stuck with me,

“No drop of love is ever wasted.”

 And maybe when you feel like you have done just that, wasted it, take a moment and realize how epically amazing it is that you have that in you. You can love, you can really love with no conditions or judgments or fears on it. Because when you can so fearlessly love someone who is so full of fear- to the point where their own fear causes detriment to their relationships- then you better be damn well fucking pleased with your souls evolutionary path. If you can love like that, then love is what you will do! And you will do it with someone who perfectly compliments that ability and need within you.

 Your soulmate will be so on your same level that you will be shocked at how well you understand and love and respect each other.. and how easy it is. Then, you will feel ridiculous that you were even shocked, because once you find that person it's like Cher and Dion hitting you in the face with a fuzzy handbag yelling “DUH!”

             Your soulmate doesn’t even have the ability to be jealous because who else could ever be your mate other then them.

Your soulmate loves your friends. Really, truly loves the people you keep close to you, and they love seeing how much you love your friends.

Your soulmate will never manipulate you. Period.

 He will never question your male friendships because he isn’t jealous, he wants you to stay close to your boys, he will understand you love them and will not be threatened by that platonic love. 

 He is secure with who he is in your life, he is secure with who you are.

You do not need to “fix” eachother. You are already perfect for eachother.

Eachother and soulmate should be one word. I don’t care what my English teachers have said; they are both words that are 2 things becoming 1. Something that does not make sense with out the other half. Therefore- one word.

You and your love are just be one word. No round-about  sentence.

Just one word.

p.s

Dear friend who inspired this free write, I hope you understand I am not in any way judging you. I may even be completely wrong, and if that is the case, please let me apologize and thank you for the inspiration you gave me to get this out of me and on to paper. You are a truely awesome woman. xo

How to fall in love again:

                                                                                

                         

I.

Don’t fall.

Falling is inevitably followed by crashing.

-Instead, Fold into each other

--Grow out of one another

II.

Drink Jameson and dance to reggae

 Discover you both love mint chocolate chip its-its

  dream of raising a boxer/pit puppy

Share music, and books—fall in love with his books

III.

Smoke a spliff & watch him draw

Love the concentration and care in his eyes while he works

Fall asleep listening to sound of his pencils dance on paper

IV.

Have a naked shoulder ride to the vaulted ceiling of a rented Memphis room on a determined mosquito hunt.

Fall to the bed laughing satisfied with the promise of a buzz free nights sleep.

V.

Feed each other fried pickles

VI.

Share ghost stories and Ethiopian food.

VII.

Get caught in the rain driving through Georgia.

Watch lightening hit the highway.

VIII.

Tell each other cheesy things in redneck southern accents

“I love you like a biscuit loves butter, like Nawlins loves jazz…”

IX.

Give yourself permission.

Warning Call

My tarot cards warned me to be aware of the devil – so, I fell in love with one.

 I made the choice to smother his demons with kisses.

An attempt to uplift his shit childhood with pretty little future wishes.

 All with the desperate need to teach him how to breathe.

I met a psychic on the bus coming home to the devil one day.

He looked at me with pain in his eyes asking why was I hurting myself.

When he told me the devil didn’t love me, I deafened myself so that all I could hear when I got home to him, was his quick and shallow breath-

For even his lungs were aching to deflate the lies.

I had so many words for you, to justify you, to sugar coat you 

"No he's just- elusive. Observant. Introverted. Stoic."

What I meant was:

He sits in such pregnant silence, the contractions of his untrue I love you’s cause fault lines to rupture.

When I came up with new words for you, they were still a justification:

Evil, asshole, lying piece of shit good for nothing ignorant little boy

But giving you that much anger still gave you too much power.

Once I thought you deserved my love

Then I thought you deserved my hate

All you're gonna get is my indifference.

The only way to stop indulging in the devil is forgiveness.

When I pray for forgiveness,
 the illusion is lifted and 
you are no longer a manifestation of your demons,
 you are not Satan, 
you are human.

You are human
 with karmic lessons, 
and no one but you, 
especially not me
 can take on the responsibility of your evolution.

something journalistic....

Bossy, With The Right Amount of Crazy

Amy Poehler said it best. The women honored at Variety’s Power of Women event, and the rest of us really, need to be “bossy, with the right amount of crazy”. 

There was something cultivating in the room today at P.O.W. That something was an energy that was welcoming and loving; an energy of sisterhood and giving. There was an understanding brewing that there is so much more to the quality of life, and that there is so much that we can do for our world.

            It is important to find that call to action, a spark of inspiration, that makes us step out of our comfort zones and take part in something bigger then we are. That is exactly what the six honorees have experienced and created for others.

            Nicole Kidman leads by example, carrying herself with the “poise and conviction of a leader”. She shared with us that there are only 21 women who run fortune 500 companies. She told us that 1 in 3 women in their lives will be beaten, abused, or raped. Sitting at a table of 12 women I look around at their beautifully different faces, and think that statistically 4 of us will or has experienced that kind of violence.

            Teen Line is a crisis hotline helping teens since 1980. Suicide is the 3^rd leading cause of teen death.  Amy Pascal nailed it on the head when she said “we all need some one who is there for us when we need it most”.

             Elizabeth Banks shared with us her work with the American Heart Association, urging us females to get our EKG’s and all that good stuff. Bet you didn’t know women are 4 times more likely to die from heart disease then from breast cancer!           

            Kerry Washington emphasized the importance of art education in our schools. She shared her own memories and appreciation for art programs.  “I walked to school stepping over used syringes… I think, where would I be today without those dance classes?” A creative outlet can save a child’s life. Art can be a healer and a friend when maybe there is no one else. Results of her art program increased proficiency in math and reading, increased attendance and participation by 36%. To have a passion, escape, and release that is healthy and constructive is so very important to build strong people and communities.

            Amy Poehler really captivated the energy in the room. She made us laugh, she made us cry, she made us think. In the end “love wins”, and when someone can have love for a child who has nothing, nothing, then we are really changing the world.

            Here’s another interesting tidbit; in 2012 more than 50 million people were HIV positive, 2015 will be the first AIDS-free generation in south Africa. Charlize put it in to perspective for us when she asked us to imagine if every single inhabitant of California and Alaska was HIV/ AIDS positive??  Charlize Theron has a deep connection with and love for her home, which is why she has become so involved in the fight against AIDS in south Africa. Dedicating her award to her mother she jokes, “because that bitch was building roads when no one else was”.

            With compassion and the right attitude we can do so much for our brothers and sisters.  The work these women have done to use their money, time, and fame to help progress the human race is truly a beautiful thing, and we could all feel it sitting in that Beverly Hills ballroom. We need to care, we need to love, and we need to step up. Thank you Variety for such a meaningful acknowledgment of human compassion and willingness.

October 4^th, 2013   Anastasia Sara Kaufman